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A Mummer's Play
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| Written by Jacob Bloom |
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Originally performed by Banbury Cross Morris
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Portions of this play were taken from the traditional Ampleforth Sword Play. Permission to perform is granted, provided credit is given. If you do perform it, please send me a message and let me know.
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| ROOM:
Make room! Make room! Clear away from my broom!
We need gallons, bucketfuls, oceans of room!
Clear your feet out of the way
and give us room to do our play.
We'll make the winter go away.
Now here comes one you'll be glad to see
Though he's not as nice to look at as me.
He's strong of arm, and stout of heart,
Weak of brain, and not too smart.
Come in now, Fool, and say your part.
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| FOOL:
In comes I, the simple fool.
I always earned straight A's in school.
My brain muscles were big and strong
Til I sprained them playing Donkey Kong.
Now I'm a fool, as you can see.
Pray tell me now, how do you like me?
Although I'm just a simple fool
with brave Saint George I'll fight a duel
to help drive the old year away
and bring a happy New Year's Day
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| NEW YEARS:
In comes I, Happy New Years Day.
In the winter's snow, I let you play
And then the flowers of the spring
And the summer's happy times I bring.
And don't forget the leaves of fall.
A whole year's joys, I bring them all.
But before I come, the old year must die.
Then I can rise, like the sun in the sky.
Oh, where will we find a hero brave
To die like the old year, so a new year we'll have?
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ST. GEORGE:
I am Saint George, the hero bold.
In rhyme and song my deeds are told.
I killed the dreaded Turkish Knight
And beat the dragon, in a six round fight.
Giants have fallen to my strong arm
And I've never received the slightest harm.
I'm a champion of the highest degree.
Does anyone here dare challenge me?
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FOOL:
I challenge you, O hero of fame.
I'll fight with you, Saint whats-your-name.
You say you're a hero of highest degree.
Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah, can't scare me!
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ST. GEORGE:
You braying ass! I'll run you through.
With my great sword I'll cut you in two!
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(They fight. Saint George runs, then curls up in a ball. The Fool
trips over him. All proclaim Saint George the winner and hero.)
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ST. GEORGE:
As night must die for there to be morn
I must now die for a new year to be born.
Like axe-men round an old oak tree
Dance men, the sword dance now for me.
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(Sword dance is performed. Swords are pulled out from lock around
Saint George's neck, and he falls down dead.)
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FATHER:
Hullo! What have we here?
I think I see a clue.
My son! He's dead, I fear.
Who did it? Was it you?
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ROOM:
I'm sure it's none of I
That did this bloody act;
It's he that follows me
That did it, for a fact.
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FOOL:
I'm sure it's none of I
That did this awful crime.
It's he that follows me
That drew his sword so fine.
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NEW YEARS:
Don't lay the blame on me
You awful villains all;
I'm sure my eyes were shut
When this young man did fall.
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DOCTOR:
How could your eyes be shut
When I was looking on?
I'm sure that you were with us
When first our swords were drawn.
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PARSON:
Now all of you, be still!
We must bury him today,
And lay his body down.
Get on your knees and pray!
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(Parson stands at head of body, others kneel next to it with hands
folded. The following song is sung to the tune of the Funeral March.)
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PARSON:
There was a farmer had a dog
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ALL:
B, I, N, G, O
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PARSON:
Old MacDonald had a farm
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ALL:
E, I, E, I, O
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PARSON:
Should auld acquaintance be forgot?
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ALL:
I think it should, but maybe not
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PARSON:
I am so happy
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ALL:
I'm overwhelmed with joy.
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FATHER:
We can't bury him like this
When people all around us stand.
We'll all be hung for murderers.
For a doctor we must send!
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(All call for a doctor. "Doctor!"
"Is there a doctor in the house?")
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FATHER:
Five bucks for a doctor!
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DOCTOR:
What?
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FATHER:
I said, five bucks for a doctor!
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DOCTOR:
I'm a doctor.
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FATHER:
How did you become a doctor?
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DOCTOR:
I studied at Harvard.
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FATHER:
What did you learn?
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DOCTOR:
Which way to go on the Red Line.
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FATHER:
Is that all you know?
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DOCTOR:
Certainly not! I know how to use the latest medical electronic
equipment.
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FATHER:
Such as what?
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DOCTOR:
Nintendo games.
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FATHER:
What diseases can you cure?
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DOCTOR:
I can cure pneumonia, old monia,
Measles, yousles,
Chicken pox, rabbit pox,
Viruses, vi-not-ruses, walruses,
Broken bones, broken hearts, broken promises,
Broken TV sets, and, the common cold.
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FATHER:
This man has been dead seven minutes. Can you cure him?
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DOCTOR:
I can cure anyone, living or dead.
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(examines body)
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I'll have to do a CAT scan.
Meow, meow, meow, meow.
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FATHER:
Did you learn anything?
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DOCTOR:
He's sick as a dog.
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FATHER:
Can you cure him?
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DOCTOR:
He needs C. P. R.
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FATHER:
What's that?
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DOCTOR:
Chest Pushing Regurgitation.
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(acts as if about to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, makes
face at smell of body's breath, tries blowing at and shaking
body's arm.)
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FATHER:
Can you cure him?
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DOCTOR:
He needs the latest, greatest, wonder drugs.
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(sticks large pill in body's mouth. pill is spit into the air.)
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FATHER:
Can you cure him?
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DOCTOR:
I've tried everything known to modern science!
But I suppose I could try some mystical mumbo-jumbo.
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(does some mystical mumbo-jumbo. Saint George arises.
Everybody cheers.)
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ST. GEORGE:
And now our play is done.
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ROOM:
We can no longer stay.
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FOOL:
We wish you all good health.
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NEW YEARS:
And a happy New Year's Day.
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ALL:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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